Right then. If you had noticed, this very first post arrives a long time after this blog (JOURNAL) was actually created (which was last year!). I finally found strength, courage, and time to get the ball rolling. Hah.
To be honest, I cannot begin to tell you how I am feeling right now. Not very sure how I should feel. Mixed reactions. Happy. Relieved. Anxious. Apprehensive. Part of me truimphant that I am finally displaying never-seen-before initiative. And part of me wondering what I stand to gain by taking a shit in public.
Deep down though, I know I wouldn't regret if I could manage to reach out to lonely, misunderstood people who need something to read somewhere. Something which would raise their spirits and rid that I-don't-think-anyone-gives-a-damn-about-me-or-my-problem feeling which they may have. That is my objective in sharing my journal anyway. Nobody has to be alone. There will always be problems some time in your life. Who are we to say or believe that we have a bigger or more depressing problem than anyone else? Somehow there is someone out there who WILL have a sorrier tale to tell. Rather than indulge in our self-pity, lets say a prayer to them and be thankful to ourselves instead, I always believed that (although there are times I find it hard to swallow). It's the first step to redemption.
The moment I begin to blab about my uneventful life (which is here, from this post onwards), is the moment I make THE decision to turn my life around and change for the better. Prior to this (and even now, occasionally), I have been a depressed and emotional wreck (not to the point of suicidal thoughts which I feel strongly against). And no I have not been depressed enough to merit the use of anti-depressant drugs or any form of medication (thankfully), yet I’ve spent ages locked up. Not literally, no. Ever since graduation from college (my last exam paper was in mid-June), that feeling of loneliness whilst longing, hoping for any salvation from somewhere or somebody who could help rescue me from the depths of sorrow, is slowly creeping in. Not a trace of urgency or optimism in my blood. Nor the fire in my belly to make my indefinite vacation a meaningful one. Whatever. Fuck.
Nevertheless, I am quietly satisfied to have began to fill my journal (something I have wanted to do for a long time and yet lacked the willpower to do so). Starting off is always the hardest part in anything you do. And I've been spending the last hour or two writing this..(I guess I haven't yet the stamina nor the patience of the veteran blogger) It's half-past-dead in the morning.
There is a lot to share about my past few days mind you. I will babble about it soon..or you want to hear it now do you? It will only take maybe another, say, 3 hours to fill in?..
Fuck no..I'm going to bed.
(pardon me for the profanities..it's been a frustrating few weeks and I am wearing my heart on my sleeves..when I have regained my composure, there shall be no more fucking {unless it is merited} ) goodnight :)
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