Right. My results appear before my eyes..and it's not as bad as it was meant to be. Because I didn't exactly do overly-badly for any of the subjects. Honestly, I had prepared myself for the worst and I can assure you that I would not have blinked had I failed every paper I sat for. But thankfully that was not to be! I did credibly ok in all three subjects (Mathematics, Physics, Economics) I undertook for my A levels and though it was a relief, it also served as a timely reminder that taking your studies lightly especially at this stage of your life will result in severe consequences. I had indeed felt a few months back that I would not have been able to achieve the sort of success that many of my peers had strived for this final exam. What was more telling about that prediction was that I could foresee it half a year before the actual exam took place. That tells you a lot about how intensive my course was that you could completely lose track in a matter of weeks if you had tried to slack. It is rather fortunate that I picked myself up in those few months prior to my exams and put in a little bit more effort in my work. By then it was damage limitation, nevertheless, I persevered (doing a bit more homework than I've ever been used to). I gave up a bit on the lessons that were being taught in class though. It brought me close to nowhere and I was better off doing work on my own hence I skipped many classes (I do not encourage that). Hah.
Now that the cat is finally out of the hat, I feel for those who missed out on what they set out to achieve. More sorry than I feel for myself, that is (I have missed out too much to bother anymore). What I didn't like though, was when they started to weep over it.
I didn't attempt to point this out to a few of my friends who did, it rubs unnecessary salt and pepper into the wound. What's more I didn't think it would be any consolation to their gloomy day. Maybe they will think that it's because I'm not as ambitious as they are or that doing well wouldn't mean as much to me. But that is not my point to prove. In fact, who am I to tell them it isn't worth their tears? You have no idea how it feels to put in so much effort and yet miss out on a place in a university because my results say I'm not good enough, so they say. I don't actually blame them anyway, But to be fair to them, I would prefer to keep the most of my personal opinion to myself (so as not to trigger the sensitivities of this topic). Yet my view is this:
That the thing which really disgusts me is the ease of which innocent people are manipulated to feel such pain, anxiety, and stress by these testing methods invented to define "winners" and "losers" by some fucking Einsteins with no regard for any form of moral obligation. These are the very same people representing a society where every teenager (or maybe older people) are under such intense pressure to succeed and fear to fail, because such shortcomings are not tolerated. Not that I see no benefit in it. In fact I agree with the notion that examinations are probably the most effective way to gauge your grasp of a matter. Yet we are more often than not crippled by the weight of expectation rather than educated through our mistakes - because this system of elimination rarely provides the second chances needed in the learning cycle of an ideal human being (since unfulfilment of a certain grade hinders you from entering a university of choice). Now you tell me why we should feel discouraged and broken down by this mercenary of an education system. Are we to become more educated and learned people by submitting to it? Unfortunately, that is the sad story of today. We live in a society whereby we are judged by how high a mark we are able to obtain in an exam and that plays a role in our non-tolerance of failing and learning from our mistakes.
So I shall say this to those who have fallen: to get up and not be at the mercy of this shite of an education system which diminishes book smart people from the rest. Every teardrop shed strengthens the dire straits of the current situation and we need to put a stop to it. Honestly. You should notice that the only reason you cry over poor results is the fact that it may stop you from progressing because you are deemed unfit and NOT because you flopped. It is time to forgive yourself and not let the Man get you down (engaging phrase from The School of Rock). And to those supposedly successful people who represent the society and pass lame judgement on whether people are good or not good enough? For fuck's sake, give encouragement and second chances to the fellow human beings you have hurt and scorned as a result of all your fucking perceptions of who's smart and who's not. Because it could be someday where you will fall flat on your face and then you will see how not-so-perfect you are then realise you are just human like everyone else. Absolute discrimination.
(Do forgive me for some violent emotion towards the end of this post because as you can see I am just fucking pissed with the society which has placed such burden on some of those known to me, where these people have more character and humility than some of society's so-called cream and yet are shunned for perceived failure)
Monday, August 11, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
no walk in the park..
Well well well. After a quiet and largely uneventful month, I am in the midst of an unusually unusual week. For someone who spends most of the time at home (for almost all of last month anyway), it is a culture shock to discover that I haven't been at home much for the last few days. Yes sir, I have been out with friends more times in the last week than my whole holiday put together! I'm not sure if that's pleasing though. You see, I haven't received a cent in allowance since I finished college so I have been utilising my savings accumulated over the course of 2 years. Except that there aren't any savings left..I blew what remained of it in a week!
Now that sucks. I have been pondering for the past hour whether even my overzealous spending could have left me this broke. Strictly speaking I am not a shopaholic, nor am I familiar with the phrase "it's on the house". In fact, "scrooge" is written all over my face.
..okok..I will cease any attempts to draw anymore sympathy from you. Because the fact remains that I have been spending as recklessly as Bush's little "War On Terror" programme..
Movie tickets, fast food, motorway tolls, parking fees, a week's worth. Throw in a couple of rounds of bowling, arcade games, lunch at a posh Italian restaurant, the snooker centre, and a few hours at an expensive cybercafe, and it rubs in on you. It was remarkable that I was able to blow a fortune without actually buying the sort of clothing or accessories most shoppers (girl shoppers I mean) would consider mandatory. I won't disclose the actual sum but I shall hint that it is nearly 4 weeks' pay for some fresh graduates. All that spending and nothing to show for in the end, except for some receipts with the words "Thank you. Please dine in again" printed under the many figures, some blisters from excessive bowling, and some expensive waste to be excreted the following day (a nasty reminder of why fine dining should remain fine dining). Spend only on what's necessary, I did not. What actually irked (and I am seriously not proud to admit) was that some of the expenses (my friends' share that is) was on me during a couple of those hangouts. Not their fault, really. It went like this:
I was so thrilled to hear from them (they were old high school friends), so I volunteered (with utmost enthusiasm and with much force) to treat them to the movies. 6 of them. 2 movies. If that wasn't enough, I insisted on paying for their parking (after all they were driving the cars and I was a passenger, I thought it would be courtesy). You have no idea how good that idea seemed at that time. Trying to look good by offering to pay for the parking fee, knowing (believing) that it definitely wouldn't compensate for the fuel and effort it would have taken to drive instead. Honestly, I would have chosen to be a passenger over driving anyday. Think of all the stress you would not have by making your friend ferry you. No need to contend with bad traffic. No risk of getting screwed by livid parents if you met with an accident (they seem to worry about the condition of the car first before taking into consideration anything else). No bad-mouthing or cibai-ing the many motorists who obtained their licenses through uncanny means (I might have meant bribery). No worrying about conserving fuel in light of the ever-increasing price. Best of all, no driving around the crowded and cramped car parks in the mall in search of a tiny space in which you may try to nick your car in, whereby any failed attempt would result in a dent or scratch on your precious machine. Nope, all in all my offer to pay fully was justified. Of course I could have paid only my slice and no one would gripe. But I have been in this comfort zone too often. Deep down I felt that it wouldn't have hurt to be a little bit more generous. It might make my friends more willing drivers (ah..the harsh word..) by displaying my charitable side. My devilish idea. The sort of PR move that would have made Obama proud.
Thing is, I didn't envisage the fee that was to meet my eyes. As I popped the parking ticket into the pay machine (electronic-car-park-paying-machine or whatever you call it) the figures which appeared completely dumbfounded me. Horror. Disbelief. If I was expecting to pay some loose change, I was wrong big time. Hell it wasn't cheap. To their credit my friends (while holding back their laughter) were trying to point out that I wasn't obliged to pay everyone's share, even less so since the movie tickets earlier were paid by me. Hah.
I felt like I had egg all over my face. Yet I wasn't about to swallow my pride. So I paid for it in full. Holey moleeyy. Next time I attempt to show generosity please remind me that I don't exactly have the resources to. The joke's all over me.
Am I actually complaining so much about the parking? Yes I f****** am. And I should because you would not believe how such an insignificant shopping mall could charge such exorbitant parking fees! They are 5-star hotel parking rates and it is astounding that no one has actually complained to the newspapers or something that these parasites of the management are able to exert such oppression on the people who sit their vehicles in the building for a couple hours. Even more disturbing is the fact that parking fees for the shopping mall situated opposite this particular one cost 3 or 4 times less! And there isn't a red carpet rolled out to welcome would-be-victims either. Not that I expect one. For the sake of virgin Mary that was the least they could do to justify their rates. Shocking.
There were some more events I could (and would) share but time is not by my side. I expect I will be out again in two days' time with the same group of friends (I shall not make the same mistake of being over-charitable) so I am looking forward to it. After all, it's not always about the money. Having a good time will ultimately be my number one priority (since I don't always have much of one). This finally explains why I have been so willing and insistant on being generous the past few days. Happy Hour for them when I've been around. They say something's wrong with me. All the same, they're buying my lunch this Friday (and they'd better), so everyone's happy. In a nutshell, that is one great lesson when I tell you money cannot replace happiness. So don't stinge or your friends would hate to bring you out with them unless you'd prefer to be a loner then keep all your money.
The other lesson? Fuck parking.
Now that sucks. I have been pondering for the past hour whether even my overzealous spending could have left me this broke. Strictly speaking I am not a shopaholic, nor am I familiar with the phrase "it's on the house". In fact, "scrooge" is written all over my face.
..okok..I will cease any attempts to draw anymore sympathy from you. Because the fact remains that I have been spending as recklessly as Bush's little "War On Terror" programme..
Movie tickets, fast food, motorway tolls, parking fees, a week's worth. Throw in a couple of rounds of bowling, arcade games, lunch at a posh Italian restaurant, the snooker centre, and a few hours at an expensive cybercafe, and it rubs in on you. It was remarkable that I was able to blow a fortune without actually buying the sort of clothing or accessories most shoppers (girl shoppers I mean) would consider mandatory. I won't disclose the actual sum but I shall hint that it is nearly 4 weeks' pay for some fresh graduates. All that spending and nothing to show for in the end, except for some receipts with the words "Thank you. Please dine in again" printed under the many figures, some blisters from excessive bowling, and some expensive waste to be excreted the following day (a nasty reminder of why fine dining should remain fine dining). Spend only on what's necessary, I did not. What actually irked (and I am seriously not proud to admit) was that some of the expenses (my friends' share that is) was on me during a couple of those hangouts. Not their fault, really. It went like this:
I was so thrilled to hear from them (they were old high school friends), so I volunteered (with utmost enthusiasm and with much force) to treat them to the movies. 6 of them. 2 movies. If that wasn't enough, I insisted on paying for their parking (after all they were driving the cars and I was a passenger, I thought it would be courtesy). You have no idea how good that idea seemed at that time. Trying to look good by offering to pay for the parking fee, knowing (believing) that it definitely wouldn't compensate for the fuel and effort it would have taken to drive instead. Honestly, I would have chosen to be a passenger over driving anyday. Think of all the stress you would not have by making your friend ferry you. No need to contend with bad traffic. No risk of getting screwed by livid parents if you met with an accident (they seem to worry about the condition of the car first before taking into consideration anything else). No bad-mouthing or cibai-ing the many motorists who obtained their licenses through uncanny means (I might have meant bribery). No worrying about conserving fuel in light of the ever-increasing price. Best of all, no driving around the crowded and cramped car parks in the mall in search of a tiny space in which you may try to nick your car in, whereby any failed attempt would result in a dent or scratch on your precious machine. Nope, all in all my offer to pay fully was justified. Of course I could have paid only my slice and no one would gripe. But I have been in this comfort zone too often. Deep down I felt that it wouldn't have hurt to be a little bit more generous. It might make my friends more willing drivers (ah..the harsh word..) by displaying my charitable side. My devilish idea. The sort of PR move that would have made Obama proud.
Thing is, I didn't envisage the fee that was to meet my eyes. As I popped the parking ticket into the pay machine (electronic-car-park-paying-machine or whatever you call it) the figures which appeared completely dumbfounded me. Horror. Disbelief. If I was expecting to pay some loose change, I was wrong big time. Hell it wasn't cheap. To their credit my friends (while holding back their laughter) were trying to point out that I wasn't obliged to pay everyone's share, even less so since the movie tickets earlier were paid by me. Hah.
I felt like I had egg all over my face. Yet I wasn't about to swallow my pride. So I paid for it in full. Holey moleeyy. Next time I attempt to show generosity please remind me that I don't exactly have the resources to. The joke's all over me.
Am I actually complaining so much about the parking? Yes I f****** am. And I should because you would not believe how such an insignificant shopping mall could charge such exorbitant parking fees! They are 5-star hotel parking rates and it is astounding that no one has actually complained to the newspapers or something that these parasites of the management are able to exert such oppression on the people who sit their vehicles in the building for a couple hours. Even more disturbing is the fact that parking fees for the shopping mall situated opposite this particular one cost 3 or 4 times less! And there isn't a red carpet rolled out to welcome would-be-victims either. Not that I expect one. For the sake of virgin Mary that was the least they could do to justify their rates. Shocking.
There were some more events I could (and would) share but time is not by my side. I expect I will be out again in two days' time with the same group of friends (I shall not make the same mistake of being over-charitable) so I am looking forward to it. After all, it's not always about the money. Having a good time will ultimately be my number one priority (since I don't always have much of one). This finally explains why I have been so willing and insistant on being generous the past few days. Happy Hour for them when I've been around. They say something's wrong with me. All the same, they're buying my lunch this Friday (and they'd better), so everyone's happy. In a nutshell, that is one great lesson when I tell you money cannot replace happiness. So don't stinge or your friends would hate to bring you out with them unless you'd prefer to be a loner then keep all your money.
The other lesson? Fuck parking.
Monday, August 4, 2008
the homecoming..
Right then. If you had noticed, this very first post arrives a long time after this blog (JOURNAL) was actually created (which was last year!). I finally found strength, courage, and time to get the ball rolling. Hah.
To be honest, I cannot begin to tell you how I am feeling right now. Not very sure how I should feel. Mixed reactions. Happy. Relieved. Anxious. Apprehensive. Part of me truimphant that I am finally displaying never-seen-before initiative. And part of me wondering what I stand to gain by taking a shit in public.
Deep down though, I know I wouldn't regret if I could manage to reach out to lonely, misunderstood people who need something to read somewhere. Something which would raise their spirits and rid that I-don't-think-anyone-gives-a-damn-about-me-or-my-problem feeling which they may have. That is my objective in sharing my journal anyway. Nobody has to be alone. There will always be problems some time in your life. Who are we to say or believe that we have a bigger or more depressing problem than anyone else? Somehow there is someone out there who WILL have a sorrier tale to tell. Rather than indulge in our self-pity, lets say a prayer to them and be thankful to ourselves instead, I always believed that (although there are times I find it hard to swallow). It's the first step to redemption.
The moment I begin to blab about my uneventful life (which is here, from this post onwards), is the moment I make THE decision to turn my life around and change for the better. Prior to this (and even now, occasionally), I have been a depressed and emotional wreck (not to the point of suicidal thoughts which I feel strongly against). And no I have not been depressed enough to merit the use of anti-depressant drugs or any form of medication (thankfully), yet I’ve spent ages locked up. Not literally, no. Ever since graduation from college (my last exam paper was in mid-June), that feeling of loneliness whilst longing, hoping for any salvation from somewhere or somebody who could help rescue me from the depths of sorrow, is slowly creeping in. Not a trace of urgency or optimism in my blood. Nor the fire in my belly to make my indefinite vacation a meaningful one. Whatever. Fuck.
Nevertheless, I am quietly satisfied to have began to fill my journal (something I have wanted to do for a long time and yet lacked the willpower to do so). Starting off is always the hardest part in anything you do. And I've been spending the last hour or two writing this..(I guess I haven't yet the stamina nor the patience of the veteran blogger) It's half-past-dead in the morning.
There is a lot to share about my past few days mind you. I will babble about it soon..or you want to hear it now do you? It will only take maybe another, say, 3 hours to fill in?..
Fuck no..I'm going to bed.
(pardon me for the profanities..it's been a frustrating few weeks and I am wearing my heart on my sleeves..when I have regained my composure, there shall be no more fucking {unless it is merited} ) goodnight :)
To be honest, I cannot begin to tell you how I am feeling right now. Not very sure how I should feel. Mixed reactions. Happy. Relieved. Anxious. Apprehensive. Part of me truimphant that I am finally displaying never-seen-before initiative. And part of me wondering what I stand to gain by taking a shit in public.
Deep down though, I know I wouldn't regret if I could manage to reach out to lonely, misunderstood people who need something to read somewhere. Something which would raise their spirits and rid that I-don't-think-anyone-gives-a-damn-about-me-or-my-problem feeling which they may have. That is my objective in sharing my journal anyway. Nobody has to be alone. There will always be problems some time in your life. Who are we to say or believe that we have a bigger or more depressing problem than anyone else? Somehow there is someone out there who WILL have a sorrier tale to tell. Rather than indulge in our self-pity, lets say a prayer to them and be thankful to ourselves instead, I always believed that (although there are times I find it hard to swallow). It's the first step to redemption.
The moment I begin to blab about my uneventful life (which is here, from this post onwards), is the moment I make THE decision to turn my life around and change for the better. Prior to this (and even now, occasionally), I have been a depressed and emotional wreck (not to the point of suicidal thoughts which I feel strongly against). And no I have not been depressed enough to merit the use of anti-depressant drugs or any form of medication (thankfully), yet I’ve spent ages locked up. Not literally, no. Ever since graduation from college (my last exam paper was in mid-June), that feeling of loneliness whilst longing, hoping for any salvation from somewhere or somebody who could help rescue me from the depths of sorrow, is slowly creeping in. Not a trace of urgency or optimism in my blood. Nor the fire in my belly to make my indefinite vacation a meaningful one. Whatever. Fuck.
Nevertheless, I am quietly satisfied to have began to fill my journal (something I have wanted to do for a long time and yet lacked the willpower to do so). Starting off is always the hardest part in anything you do. And I've been spending the last hour or two writing this..(I guess I haven't yet the stamina nor the patience of the veteran blogger) It's half-past-dead in the morning.
There is a lot to share about my past few days mind you. I will babble about it soon..or you want to hear it now do you? It will only take maybe another, say, 3 hours to fill in?..
Fuck no..I'm going to bed.
(pardon me for the profanities..it's been a frustrating few weeks and I am wearing my heart on my sleeves..when I have regained my composure, there shall be no more fucking {unless it is merited} ) goodnight :)
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